This Agency Thinks I'm Important

I was just emailed a press release to the email address that I use on this blog from a PR firm of all places. They sent me a press release. I guess they want me to shill for them about some big corporate deal to get more dead money into the WSOP and to pump the sponsor. It is a legit press release with phone numbers and everything. I will respond to the shill seeker here.

Sara-

Listen, I know you think that emailing a press release to poker bloggers about the latest corporate poker deal seems like +ev, but trust me it isn't.

First- we hold in low regard the shill. Unless you want to purchase some ad space or even some editorial content, in that case I think my MBA could be put to good use singing the praises of your clients' corporate strategy and good timing. Hell I'll bust out the big whooping stick and break off a Porter's 5 forces and follow it with an olde tyme SWOT analysis. Okay, we've established that I am a whore, not a slut, now we need to discuss the price. Its more than the free you're offering.

Second- Dont' ever give your phone number to a poker blogger, especially in an unsolicited email. I am 5 seconds from sending said number to Al. You ever do a dial-a-shot? Ever had a "CantHang" experience? Do you like Soco? I see by your area code that you are in Baltimore. Thats not too far from the boat house. In fact your office is a mere 95 miles from the Boathouse.

Third- Your clients are weaselly. I abhor one and tolerate the other. A bigger conglomeration of f-ups and corporate self-servicing archetypes would be hard to assemble.

Fourth- I'd have preferred that the press release had a URL that I could link too so that everyone could see the topic of this rant without me coming out and calling these two large companies names. Especially since I frequent one of their establishments on a regular basis.

Fifth- Nobody reads this thing. Send it to Iggy. He has all kinds of readers, some of whom might even be stupid enough to use AOL's your client's products to try and win a freeroll into the WSOP.

Sixth- Really, mass mailing to bloggers? Thats the new wave PR machine? You're going to have to come up with something a bit more relevant than ISP induced freerolls if you want degenerate gamblers to shill this shit for you. Are people still paying $20/month for dial-up? Hows that business model going? A BCG Box would likely indicate that this is a cash cow, slowly eroding into a dog.

Seventh- See the passion and creativity I use to attack a topic that I enjoy? This mass of humanity could be focused on your project at reasonable rates.

Eighth- Do Lori D and Gary T know that you sent me their phone numbers too? I'd be pissed if I was them. Especially after....well you'll see.

Ninth- I did find this part of the press release interesting and I will blatantly plagiarise it here:

According to a recent study from Evil Whores and SRBI Public Affairs, almost half (47 percent) of Americans surveyed play poker in some form. Among poker players, almost one in five (17 percent) say they have played poker more than ever before, and about a quarter (26 percent) have taken up the game just in the past year. furthermore, more than one-third of the poll respondents (37 percent) watchpoker events such as the World Series of Poker on television, and about one-in-10 (11 percent) have played poker online. Additionally, when asked why they play on the Web, most players said it was to learn the game or to practice before playing at offline casino events.

Tenth- Disguising your email as an innocent ploy:

"Thought you may be interested in this World Series of Poker news..."

is about more than I can handle. Just say something honest like

"Hey one of my office minions harvested your email address's off your blog that contains poker content so I thought I'd shotgun this piece of shit press release about some crappy freerolls to as many of you blogger chumps as I could find hoping that it will start a "viral marketing" phenonmenon that will get me promoted. "

Questions can be directed to Chilly at isdn72-HAMMER at tat tat yahoooooo! dot commy. Or to shodges@tbc.us . Whats that I smell? Spam in Sara's inbox I think.

-Chilly